DAY 87 - PEE IN THE CUP AND SHUT UP

As part of the background check process, I had to fill out a medical questionnaire and then go to a clinic for a drug test. The medical checklist felt weird because I have a sedentary job and knowing if I have hemorrhoids or constipation did not seem relevant. I felt strange wondering who was going to see this information. The company claims it goes to the medical department but you never know if your peers and subordinates will see this information. Nothing like losing immediate credibility if they know that you are incontinent. There was a space to fill out your height and weight. If I put down a model's weight, would they question me on it??? I guess you do what needs to be done to get the position.

The second part of the screen is to go for a drug test. There was a lab conveniently located near the house. I drove up to the building and thought, wow this is in a nice building. I went inside and the office was located in the basement. There were glass doors with normal businesses and then there was an ugly white door. It had the name of the lab but did not look like a door you were supposed to enter. It looked like it was to the broom closet. I tried to open the door and it felt locked. I then walked down the hall to see if I got the location wrong --- I did not. I went back to the maintenance door and opened it. It was in fact a waiting room - very uninviting.

I went up to the desk to be curtly greeted by a lab assistant who acted annoyed to be disturbed. She asked me if I had a form and I replied that I had a confirmation number. Before I could read it to her, she pulled the paper out of my hand and began to key it in the computer --- ok...

She then barked out an order for me to wash my hands - I did it. Then she told me to take the cup into the bathroom, fill it up 1/2 way with pee and not to flush the toilet. Yes maam.... I did not want to make her mad because she could mess with the results - if you know what I mean... As I was sitting on the toilet and filling up the cup, I wondered if people poop in there too? How embarrassing would that be since she did not want us to flush. She sort of deserved to flush a crap.

Once I was done, I came up with the sample and placed it on the wrong counter. Silly me for not wanting to parade pee in front of the reception of drug users on a specimen weekly check. She then, told me to wash my hands again - not sure why I had to do it again but I did. She made me initial the pee and be on my way. What a delightful experience? She was scary but I did not want to piss her off --no pun intended or was it.

Realization - I am sure the medical review is just a careful scan to ensure that everyone is physically and legally able to do their job. I am sure oompa loompas have a lifting restriction. Realization 2 - the lab assistant probably hates her job because all she does all day is to direct people to pee in a cup and gets sick of the stupid jokes we try to make to mask our embarrassment.